Alienation and Self Sabotage

This has been on my mind for some time now. Mental illness takes so much from us. Living with Schizo affective bipolar 2 and SAD of course isn’t easy. But since this holiday season rolled around I noticed things.
I’ll be honest. I’m an atheist. But I still choose to go to church so I can see things from an equal point of view. In doing this my anxiety always takes over. I bite my tongue. Literally. I stay away from groups of people that are friends.
Guilt takes over from there. So… Am I sabotaging myself? At any point where anxiety trumps ever other emotion and I stay away, should I feel alienation because I can’t move forward? Is my mind lying to me? Does alienation equal self sabotage? Everyone is different. We all react in different ways to our environment.
In my opinion. I say yes. But if we see what triggers the anxiety and how we push away from new experiences, we can learn how to embrace them instead. Sure we may have suspicions about new people in our lives. We may say that given a chance to speak we may say something stupid. We all get overwhelmed. Recovery isn’t a simple thing. But it is a two way street. We get what we put in. So move slow. Internalize your behavior. But keep moving forward.

Christmas Eve

Why can’t I get out of my own way? Little things have been triggering tiny flashbacks of more good than bad memories for me the last couple of days. A Christmas tree will trigger a memory of hectic early Xmas’s back in Florida when Mom was always yelling and complaining over something.

Then there’s after the divorce. The family being stressed over getting together. Even for Thanksgiving. We all have trouble this time of year. And this year it’s more of a battle from within than any outside trigger.

I meant for this post to be positive. I’ve gone 3 months without Zoloft. 8 weeks without Gabapentin. I’m proud of myself for those triumphs. I’ve made new friends on Twitter. Don’t know what I’d do without them. I’ve become more honest with myself this year. Yet I can’t even shutoff my stupid brain when I get on overload.

Peace be with you guys. See you next year.

It’s been awhile….

I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve done a post. I’ve gone through a lot. Let’s just say that it’s been an emotional rollercoaster thru all the levels of Hell with a disconnected mental downfall into suicidal thoughts and dissociation.

I’ve gone through 2 therapists since the last post. I’m on a third. Thankfully she acknowledged that she sees me more of a friend than a client. In the 2 years that I’ve been on Twitter… Twitter has saved my life. I have friends here in the States, the UK, Europe, Canada ( S/O to all my SickNotWeak fam!), and now even Australia. THEY have saved me.

I turned 35 on September 22nd. During the last half of that day people came over. For the football game and not to celebrate with me. And then depression set in. I did not recover. I tried. But a week and a day after, I find out that my mother and stepfather are fighting over money.

This week has been horrible. Stress, depression, anxiety, PTSD ( yeah dx came 2 months ago ), insomnia, and I’ve only been eating 12 whole hours apart. If I eat at all. Happy October people!

Post Xmas Update

Well Christmas Eve and even the last few days have been pretty good. I’m definitely not use to this. My mood has been pretty good too. I’m just waiting for the sudden whiplash to throw me back into the darkness.

I know that sounds highly pessimistic. But I know myself far too well. Within a week or so I’ll be so fatigued and depressed I won’t know which way is up. Even now I’m still physically tired. I’ve lost too much sleep this month. I take 600mg of Seroquel at night and it still hasn’t worked. I’m starting next month on Ambien to supplement my night time meds. Hopefully that’ll help. Bye for now.

How to cope with a myriad of emotions during the holidays.

What can I say about Christmas that you don’t already know? The cheesy Christmas specials, food, and of course family traditions. But those of us who have mental health diagnosis see this time of year differently.
Financial stress. Situational and environmental triggers. Anxiety and depression. This is the time of the year when the suicide rate rises. While others see hope, we see our own darkness.
But how do we cope with the myriad of emotions that flood our minds. It isn’t easy. For most of us, we want to isolate ourselves. We’re obligated to join in. So we mask our pain. There isn’t an easy fix to what we go through. But there’s always hope.
With Christmas just a week away our stress level goes through the roof. I know that everyone is different. But this advice that I’m about to give has helped me through tough times.

Preventive steps are always best. I know how hard it is to turn to loved ones when it comes to our emotions. Family can be a great support system, even if it doesn’t look like it. Always remember that your family does love you. Turning to a special confidant in the family can and will save your life.

Other than family what are other ways of coping? For me distraction helps a lot. Find something that you enjoy doing and do it. Try to do something that you enjoy each day leading up to Christmas. Surprise yourself. Aromatherapy also helps. Now I’m not saying that it will help you. But it’s worth a try. Surround yourself with your favorite scents. The smell of apple pie, the ocean waves, and lavender can change your mood for the better any time if the day.
Try to look forward to Christmas. Picture yourself as a child. Try to guess what you may be getting. But of course set your expectations accordingly. Never forget that it’s okay not to be okay. What you’re feeling is natural. Your emotions are your own and it’s okay to feel the way you are. And lastly. Never forget that you are not alone. There’s always someone who knows what you’re going through. Never hesitate to cry out for help. Because someone will hear you. Best wishes and Merry Christmas from me to you. Thank you for your time and interest in reading this post. God bless you all.

My First Official Post

I’ve put this off long enough. I’m new to this and I really don’t know how this works. So I’m just going to introduce myself. I’m Jeremy Emery. I’m 34 and I live with my parents. My mother and stepfather. I was adopted at the age of 2 and I know nothing about my biological parents.

My full diagnosis is paranoid bipolar schizophrenic. I also have social/general anxiety. I’m doing this blog to show that just because someone looks fine on the outside. It doesn’t mean that they’re okay.

Okay. Formalities are over. Time to vent. Two and a half weeks until Christmas. It feels like my mind is trapped in a cage. I’m seriously screaming inside. I can only say so much on Twitter. Here though… It feels like I’m caught in a rut. Doing the same thing over and over again.

I hate that feeling. That feeling lingers. I start to lose hope when this happens. I don’t want to lose hope again. The last time I lost that kind of hope… 5 years ago on Superbowl Sunday. I tried to kill myself. I almost succeeded. I know this post has been all over the place and I don’t know what else to say. Bye for now.